On cancer and cars.

(And also worry and goals, but those aren't as nice of an alliteration.) 

Hi friends. Remember how back in January I said that I didn’t make resolutions, I make goals, because goals are something that can always be added to, or changed? Here I am, proving my own point, because I’m going to add a goal right here, right now. And that goal is this: By February of 2018, I want to be a licensed driver. That’s right, you heard (or rather, read) correctly – I, at the ripe old age of twenty-two, have still yet to get a driver’s license. Sorry, I’m not all that sorry.

            Here’s the thing – I wasn’t going to make this post. Mainly because this is a thing I am a little embarrassed about. (More than a little – I am a lot embarrassed about it.) I know it’s ridiculous – I’ve been old enough to drive for six years now, and the closest I’ve gotten to a license is a permit (now expired) and a couple of driving lessons with my friend K, who seems to constantly be helping me better myself. It’s gotten to the point now where I know when I tell people I don’t drive, they immediately assume it’s because I got my license taken away, which… no. It’s honestly a little insulting, the question of, “Is that a choice, or…?” but to be fair, I do bring it upon myself a bit.

            So yeah. I wasn’t going to make this post, because I’m embarrassed, and it honestly involves more personal introspection than I was certain I was comfortable with sharing on the Internet, where everything lives forever. But we’re reading this book about fear and anxiety with the fourth graders, and talking about our anxieties and how to deal with them, and that’s honestly what made me feel like I had to post this. Because if I’m being completely honest, the reason I haven’t gotten my license yet is simple: I am terrified of being behind the wheel of a car.

            If you had asked me about why I didn’t have my license as little as a year ago, these are the reasons I would have given you:

1.     I went to a charter school – Driver’s Ed wasn’t offered during the school day like it is at the regional high school, so I would have had to attend at night, which felt like a big deal for sixteen year old me.

2.     I skipped a grade, so I was younger than all of my classmates. The people I knew who would be going to Driver’s Ed at the same time all went to the other high school, so they wouldn’t be there at night with me, and all of the kids who I was in classes with every day had already gone through it the year before. Again, felt like a big deal for sixteen year old me.

3.     I didn’t have much of a social life in high school (read: I didn’t have one at all.) There was nowhere I wanted to go that I couldn’t get my mom to drive me.

4.     Driver’s Ed was expensive. There were other things I wanted to spend my money on, namely a new computer and books. (Spoiler alert: there’s always other stuff I want to spend money on rather than what I should be spending money on. Or not spending money.)

5.     Multiple doctors had told me that with the insane cocktail of painkillers I was on to deal with some really fun health complications, there was no way I was going to be allowed behind the wheel of the car. By the time I was off all of them, not having a driver’s license was my way of life.

Those reasons seemed more than valid to me, so I never really thought past them. Then one day this summer, a new friend asked me why I didn’t have my license, and, knowing my past, asked me if it was because of all of the crazy health-related things in my life. And CLICK. Some gear I wasn’t aware was malfunctioning started working at full speed again and I knew that while all the reasons listed above were a good cover story, the true reason was that I was scared out of my mind of being behind the wheel of a car. I think for me, what it comes down to is that there were a lot of things that happened in my life that were life-altering, life-threatening. And I wasn’t in control of any of them, but they still happened. Why would I want to put myself in charge of something that could kill me? Why would I want to make the decision to get behind the wheel of a car, knowing that car accidents are things that happen? It feels stupid, to choose to do something that I know could end with me seriously injured or dead, when those are things that I already had to resign myself with many times before, and it WASN’T due to a decision I had made.

Logically, I know this is ridiculous. Logically, I know that literally everything you do could result in something bad happening. That’s just how the world works. The odds of something bad happening when you’re doing every day things are slim to none, and I can do other things with no problem. Hell, I have no problem being the passenger in a car. It’s just the thought of being in control of it that freaks me out, I think. I’m not sure.

Another friend of mine tells me that as soon as I actually am behind the wheel of a car, I won’t feel like this. She’s probably right – I have driven before, and I wasn’t having a panic attack the whole time, or unable to do it. The problem is that this discovery I’ve made of being scared is still sort of new. So when my brain tries to “redirect” me, telling me that I’m too busy, or have something else I have to do, or literally any other excuse it can come up with before the acceptable amount of time for a response to the question of “do you want to go driving this weekend?” has passed, I don’t have the skills to be able to recognize that avoidance and avoid it. (Avoiding avoidance, my mother would be so disappointed in my lack of vocabulary here.) So I’m working on being able to work on this fear. I have a lot of people in my corner (hi, people. Thanks for coming.) who are willing to help me, and a few people in my corner who are willing to kick my ass into gear until I have a driver’s license (you know who you are. Love you too.).

Woof. Okay. This was a long blog post, and a hard one to write. Seriously – it’s taken me over a week to write because I’ve been avoiding this topic like it’s a bill collector. Because once it’s out there, it’s real, and it’s something I have to work on. And it’s going to be hard. But here’s the deal – when it comes down to it, having a license is part of being a functioning adult in today’s society. And I need to be that. (A functioning adult, that is.) Plus, practice what you preach – I can’t tell a bunch of ten year olds to be bigger and better than their worry and not take the steps to be bigger and better than mine. To be fair, I have a lot of other worries to tackle that are quite a bit larger than just not having a driver’s license. But this is a good start.

Alright friends. Until next time. Love you, mean it, bye.

January Jumpstart

            Hi friends. Or at least, I’m assuming you’re a friend. Why else would you be reading this blog? (You can’t see me, because that’s how computers work, but if you could, you’d see I’m winking at you.) Welcome to a blog that I’m almost certain will fall into oblivion within the month, but am trying out on the incredibly small chance that I actually keep it together enough to write here regularly. Just to get this out of the way – I am a notoriously bad blogger. Life always gets in the way, and if life doesn’t, my anxiety about not having anything to say helps out and gets in the way instead. I’m hoping that I can change that this time around. (Famous last words, am I right?)

            In case you just stumbled upon this blog, here's the deal: My name is Hannah. I’m in my early twenties, and I work as an assistant in the fourth grade at my local elementary school. I live with my two younger sisters, my mother, my grandmother, and a cat, in the same house I grew up in. Everything else you’ll have to learn as we go.

            I’m writing this on New Year’s Eve, but the chances are that you’re reading this within the first week of January. (There’s no way I’m going to have my shit together enough to post this tonight. Ha! The idea is laughable, really.) People get introspective on New Year’s Eve, and I am no different. 2016 was a big year for a lot of people, for a lot of reasons. It’s being lauded as “the worst year EVER,” though I think that there are definitely other years that could give it a run for its money. (Just off the top of my head… potato famine, World War I and II, Yellow Fever, the Black Plague… you get the idea.) Personally, the year wasn’t so bad for me. It was definitely… uncomfortable, at times, but when you experience growth, there’s bound to be some discomfort. And more than anything, 2016 was a year of growth. Just in overview – I tried my hand at substitute teaching due to the urging of one of my closest friends, and found that I loved being in a classroom filled with children; I left a job that I no longer looked forward to and went right into a new job that I did; I took a chance and applied for the teaching position I currently hold and adore; and I stopped letting the negative “what-ifs” affect me more than the positive ones. Big stuff. Good stuff. Like I said, 2016 was a big year. But just because it was a big year doesn’t mean that 2017 can’t be, as well.

            That’s meant to be a seamless segue into 2017 resolutions. But here’s the thing – I think resolutions are dumb. Everyone makes them; people rarely actually stick to them. They’re just something people make because they feel like they should. They’re a conversation topic, and rarely anything more. So instead, I’m making – get this – GOALS. A rose by any other name? Maybe. But there’s less of a “thing” about the word “goals.” Goals aren’t specific to any time of year. Goals are a thing that you can add to or change whenever needed. Plus, I feel so much more legit saying, “that’s one of my goals” in lieu of saying, “oh, that’s one of my New Year’s resolutions!” (Cause let’s be real, you can’t just say “resolutions.” People will think you’re talking about levels of pixelation.)

            So I have six goals for 2017. Hopefully, posting and talking about them here will hold me more accountable than if they just live in my room on a sheet of notebook paper (albeit very pretty notebook paper).

1.     Save that $! – Start a budget. Stick to it. Start a savings account, and deposit a set amount every month/pay check. (Along with being bad at blogging, I am also bad at money. Normally I would say #sorrynotsorry, except I really am sorry about it.)

2.     Go back to school! – It’s unavoidable, honestly. Teachers need degrees. At least, teachers who have their own classrooms do. It’s really not rocket science, no matter what your anxiety says.

3.     Create an all-around healthy life. – Help yourself out, girl. Cut out the maximum amount of junk possible – junk foods, junk habits, junk stuff, and junk people. None of it is doing you any favors. (Notice how I put an exercise goal in here without saying it’s an exercise goal, just so that I don’t beat myself up about not going to the gym all the time. I think I’m so smart.)

4.     Write more. – Write novels. Journal. BLOG (wink wink nudge nudge). Letters. Writing makes you happy, so do it, dummy.

5.     Make new friends. – Screw this “no new friends” shit. FULL offense, Drake. Having more good people in your life is never a bad thing.

6.     Overall, choose happiness. – Don’t let yourself get stuck. Do the things that make your heart dance, even if other people are telling you it’s dumb. You do you, boo-boo. Unless you’re drunk, and it’s sober people telling you it’s dumb. Then it’s probably dumb and you should listen to your friends.

So that’s that. My goals for 2017. Like I said, hopefully this blog post will help hold me accountable. Don’t hold out high hopes for this blog, though. I’m not. But hey, don’t people always say, “New year, new me”? Maybe that will hold true for me. (Again, you can’t see me [see above for reason] but know that I am winking at you.) Alright friends. Love you, mean it, byyeeeee.